still the anger

still the anger and i am so tired of it, oozing into the corners of my soul.I want to scream, to hit something or some one to break something into little pieces hoping it will break the hold on my heart. I've tried to believe that the things my father says and does isn't him, that it is the damage going on in his brain, but it really him with all the filters gone, all the control. he has always had a mean streak in him and it is unchecked now. what i really want to say is ihatehimihatehimihatehimihate him i hate him ihate him i hate him i hate him i hate him ihate him ihate him i hate him ihate himhate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate


still the anger
    oozing into the corners of my soul

I want to scream
                         hit something
or some one to break into little pieces


     hoping it will break the hold on my heart

anger

There is an ache in my heart and my soul and an anger. The anger is consuming me, I can't get away from it. i feel that if I could just scream as loud as i can and for as long as I can it will go away. it is sucking the life out of me. I am angry because i am stuck here with a nasty, cruel miserable old man who looks like my father. the man that was my father is gone. I am stuck here with him because no one else wants anything to do with him. They don't want to witness the decline in him, so they leave him to me. But they also are judging how i handle things which is driving me crazy. I need to accept that they will never help or care. I've always known that i couldn't depend on my family. For the most part I did ok living with that idea and i have to go back to living that way.

I need to start living my life and stop just existing.
I deserve
 a clean house
 a calm house
 good meals that are good for me and taste good
decent clothes

I need
music
art
books
movies
good conversations
good friends

I need to stop listening to what my family tells me I am and start listening to what my soul tells me I am. if I am lucky and start taking better care of myself, I have, maybe, 20 years left. i don't want to spend them like this.

writing again after so long

Nothing, Nothing, Nothing,

                Nothing

It stretches before me

As far as the heart can see

One emptiness after another

Comforting & soul sucking

So much promise evaporated

Gone in the blink of a life

                                                                        1/16/13

I am afraid to feel the anger

    to face it, not run from it

If I go down that road

    will I be able to take the

Sweet path back when I come to that fork?

Or will anger become the well traveled road?

If I look into the black lonely

    hole my soul is in

will it become who I am

    not what I feel?

Will the sweet release

   become sweeter than life?

Let go?     Go on?

                                                                        1/17/13

If I sit, quiet

    no thinking, no feeling

Just being

Sweet, sweet, take my breath

away, soul searing, heart busting

make everything worth it

             Yes

                                                                        1/21/13

what I want for 2013

Grace to handle some of the big crappy things I’d been dealt, and grace to move forward. And thrive.
This year, I want faith. Faith that what I’m doing is the right thing, and this is all going to work out in the end, even if it’s a lot of hard work and penny pinching for now. Patience and compassion when dealing with my father.

A job
Health
Good people in my life and negative people out of it.

Missing Christmas

I miss Christmas. For the last few years I haven't had a home of my own. It has been hard because where i am I haven't always been welcomeing. It is with family and i haven't always been able to depend on them. They have given me a place to stay but it has been very grudgingly so I have tried to make myself as small as possible. it hasn't always worked but I try. But I miss Christmas so much. I was one of those crazy people who did a ton of baking and then gave them to everyone in sight and I loved it. I had Christmas music playing in November. I got very excited when the Grinch was on TV, and Charlie Brown and Rudolph. Like the rest of my life, I've let it slip away.

Somehow I need to find a place i can call my own, a home, my home. I need quiet, calm, peace, warmth, love, friendship.