still the anger

still the anger and i am so tired of it, oozing into the corners of my soul.I want to scream, to hit something or some one to break something into little pieces hoping it will break the hold on my heart. I've tried to believe that the things my father says and does isn't him, that it is the damage going on in his brain, but it really him with all the filters gone, all the control. he has always had a mean streak in him and it is unchecked now. what i really want to say is ihatehimihatehimihatehimihate him i hate him ihate him i hate him i hate him i hate him ihate him ihate him i hate him ihate himhate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate


still the anger
    oozing into the corners of my soul

I want to scream
                         hit something
or some one to break into little pieces


     hoping it will break the hold on my heart

anger

There is an ache in my heart and my soul and an anger. The anger is consuming me, I can't get away from it. i feel that if I could just scream as loud as i can and for as long as I can it will go away. it is sucking the life out of me. I am angry because i am stuck here with a nasty, cruel miserable old man who looks like my father. the man that was my father is gone. I am stuck here with him because no one else wants anything to do with him. They don't want to witness the decline in him, so they leave him to me. But they also are judging how i handle things which is driving me crazy. I need to accept that they will never help or care. I've always known that i couldn't depend on my family. For the most part I did ok living with that idea and i have to go back to living that way.

I need to start living my life and stop just existing.
I deserve
 a clean house
 a calm house
 good meals that are good for me and taste good
decent clothes

I need
music
art
books
movies
good conversations
good friends

I need to stop listening to what my family tells me I am and start listening to what my soul tells me I am. if I am lucky and start taking better care of myself, I have, maybe, 20 years left. i don't want to spend them like this.