writing again after so long

Nothing, Nothing, Nothing,

                Nothing

It stretches before me

As far as the heart can see

One emptiness after another

Comforting & soul sucking

So much promise evaporated

Gone in the blink of a life

                                                                        1/16/13

I am afraid to feel the anger

    to face it, not run from it

If I go down that road

    will I be able to take the

Sweet path back when I come to that fork?

Or will anger become the well traveled road?

If I look into the black lonely

    hole my soul is in

will it become who I am

    not what I feel?

Will the sweet release

   become sweeter than life?

Let go?     Go on?

                                                                        1/17/13

If I sit, quiet

    no thinking, no feeling

Just being

Sweet, sweet, take my breath

away, soul searing, heart busting

make everything worth it

             Yes

                                                                        1/21/13

what I want for 2013

Grace to handle some of the big crappy things I’d been dealt, and grace to move forward. And thrive.
This year, I want faith. Faith that what I’m doing is the right thing, and this is all going to work out in the end, even if it’s a lot of hard work and penny pinching for now. Patience and compassion when dealing with my father.

A job
Health
Good people in my life and negative people out of it.

Missing Christmas

I miss Christmas. For the last few years I haven't had a home of my own. It has been hard because where i am I haven't always been welcomeing. It is with family and i haven't always been able to depend on them. They have given me a place to stay but it has been very grudgingly so I have tried to make myself as small as possible. it hasn't always worked but I try. But I miss Christmas so much. I was one of those crazy people who did a ton of baking and then gave them to everyone in sight and I loved it. I had Christmas music playing in November. I got very excited when the Grinch was on TV, and Charlie Brown and Rudolph. Like the rest of my life, I've let it slip away.

Somehow I need to find a place i can call my own, a home, my home. I need quiet, calm, peace, warmth, love, friendship.