My soul has decided to stay safe or at least that's what I think. It's not sure it can recover and survive another disappointment another heartbreak so it's playing it safe until it can figure out how to live again. I don't blame it, we've been through some shit these last couple of years. people who were suppose to have our back, most definitely  didn't, not that I was surprised. It would have been nice to have been wrong this time.So, what do I do, give my soul a kick in the ass or try to coax it out? I don't want to live this way anymore? it's not living, it's existing and I want more.

Take it one small step at a time until living becomes a habit, becomes real

I wish I knew if this inability to do anything was physical or mental. Then I would know what to do. Sometimes it hurts so much just to think so I sit here and do nothing. Things are going well for me but I just can't move. Need to make one small step and then another and another

                                      

The top photo is from today, the others from yesterday, what a difference a day makes. One of the good things about living in this city is things get back to normal pretty fast. I don't have to go to work until Tuesday and by then the snoww will be just and inconvenience. This is the first day when I don't have to have a light on in my apartment, the snow is reflecting so much  sunlight. The classical music station is playing, my tea is ready, it's a good day.

Things are about to change big time for me. I will be moving to West Philly in September. Grew up here in Kensington, left for awhile but came back to raise my daughter. I've been back 30 years and I'm ready for something else. always wanted to live in West Philly, long before it became University City. When I would visit April at 45th & Pine, I dreamed about living there and now I will be around the corner. Do I dare to believe that things are going to work out? Have I learnt anything from letting my life fall apart? Will I get it right this time?

And then there is work. I don't even know how to describe what is going on. There is a chance that I am being set up to be let go.

Need to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Trying to get started but I just sit here, say I'm overwhelmed but I'm not. Just don't believe things will ever be good or if they start it will go bad again. I do have an out a permanent one, can't use it yet, need to make sure April is alright before I leave her.

Why do I think things will go bad again? Because they have in the past. The thing I keep dancing around is the fact that I'm the one who caused it most of the time. Yes, losing a job was part of it but I was in bad shape before the Oyster House closed.

So it is me and it has to change.

still the anger

still the anger and i am so tired of it, oozing into the corners of my soul.I want to scream, to hit something or some one to break something into little pieces hoping it will break the hold on my heart. I've tried to believe that the things my father says and does isn't him, that it is the damage going on in his brain, but it really him with all the filters gone, all the control. he has always had a mean streak in him and it is unchecked now. what i really want to say is ihatehimihatehimihatehimihate him i hate him ihate him i hate him i hate him i hate him ihate him ihate him i hate him ihate himhate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate


still the anger
    oozing into the corners of my soul

I want to scream
                         hit something
or some one to break into little pieces


     hoping it will break the hold on my heart

anger

There is an ache in my heart and my soul and an anger. The anger is consuming me, I can't get away from it. i feel that if I could just scream as loud as i can and for as long as I can it will go away. it is sucking the life out of me. I am angry because i am stuck here with a nasty, cruel miserable old man who looks like my father. the man that was my father is gone. I am stuck here with him because no one else wants anything to do with him. They don't want to witness the decline in him, so they leave him to me. But they also are judging how i handle things which is driving me crazy. I need to accept that they will never help or care. I've always known that i couldn't depend on my family. For the most part I did ok living with that idea and i have to go back to living that way.

I need to start living my life and stop just existing.
I deserve
 a clean house
 a calm house
 good meals that are good for me and taste good
decent clothes

I need
music
art
books
movies
good conversations
good friends

I need to stop listening to what my family tells me I am and start listening to what my soul tells me I am. if I am lucky and start taking better care of myself, I have, maybe, 20 years left. i don't want to spend them like this.